Thursday, December 13, 2012

Santa's Headaches

Dear Santa,  
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 5 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.  
Merry Christmas,  
Timmy Jones

Dear Timmy,  
Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.  
Merry Christmas,  
Santa Claus

Mr. Claus,  
Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?  
Tim Jones

Mr. Jones,  
While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.  
Very Truly Yours,  
S Claus

Now look here Fat Man,  
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!  
Listen Pizza Face,  
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny g-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.  
S Clizzy

Dear Santa,  
Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.  

That's what I thought you little bastard.  

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

This seems to fit the times...

Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world's grief. Do justly, now. Love mercy, now. Walk humbly, now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it.
The Talmud

Saturday, October 20, 2012


I haven't updated since June?
Life got busy.
Perhaps I'll rectify the situation soon.

As you were.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Climb the mountain so you can see the world, not so the world can see you.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

* To those who have died in war and conflict - Blessed Be

* To those who strive for peace - Brightest Blessings

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace... you whooo

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one
-John Lennon

Hanging in...

I prayed for change, so I changed my mind.
I prayed for guidance and learned to trust myself.
I prayed for happiness and realized I am not my ego.
I prayed for peace and learned to accept others unconditionally.
I prayed for abundance and realized my doubt kept it out.
I prayed for wealth and realized it is my health.
I prayed for a miracle and realized I am the miracle.
I prayed for a soul mate and realized I am the One.
I prayed for love and realized it’s always knocking,
but I have to allow it in.
- Jackson Kiddard

Sunday, April 08, 2012

To Do (with diabolical music playing as background)

Step 1: Go someplace public with your laptop.
Step 2: Click HERE
Step 3: Press f11
Step 4: Start typing frantically.
Step 5: Make sure other people see your screen.
Step 6: ???????
Step 7: Enjoy!

Tuesday, April 03, 2012

It pays to check your SPAM filter!


It pays to check your SPAM every now and then…

Got an email from the FBI!!!!  

Hello, I am *insert phony name* The THIRD and I am the EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR OF THE FBI. It is true I would not lie to you!

The email went on to name drop a half dozen official sounding USA organizations and Interpol and the bank of Nigeria.
It then told me only to respond to this email and everyone in all organizations will disavow all knowledge of this operation as it is secret – they are trying to trap a criminal and must secretly monitor and wiretap my accounts and phone so if wouldn’t mind to please confirm my name SS# bank account mother maiden name…. Yaddayaddayadda… failure to do so is punishable by LAW. THE ARMY will ARREST YOU!

 Ummm okay sport. BRING IT! LOL

I have a problem! Someone schedule an intervention – I compulsively collect recipes. I have a billion pdfs on my computer, and my box is fast filling up, and on Pinterest… *sigh*

However, it did pay off…
Buy a box of sugar cones; fill them with chocolate chips, butterscotch chips, caramels, mini-marshmallows, nuts, and anything else you want to fit in.
Then, either:
1) Heat the oven to 375 -400F and prop the filled cones up in something that props them somewhat vertical (I used a small loaf pan). Basically you don’t want the melting goo to spill out. Bake for 15-20 minutes.
2) Wrap in foil and stick in a camp fire. (Can’t vouch for this method as I didn’t have a campfire handy)
Eat and enjoy.
Truth may walk through the world unarmed.
Bedouin Proverb

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." 

~Happy Birthday, Susan B. Anthony!

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Happy Heart Day!

Loving is not just looking at each other, it's looking in the same direction.  
~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Wind, Sand, and Stars, 1939

I'm not a fan of this manipulative commercial guilt driven holiday.  If you love someone, tell them everyday.

Instead of romance how about we "love" everyone, or if "love" is too hard, lets just not hate.

Give a thought to your heart as well... February is Heart Health Month.  Get off the couch, get off the internet, go out and do something health for your heart! ... and while you're at it - Eat a vegetable or two.

Friday, February 10, 2012

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
      ~Thomas Alva Edison

Sunday, January 01, 2012

Happy 2012.

Gott Nytt År
Feliz Año Nuevo
Godt Nytår
Bonne Année
Glückliches Neues Jahr
Athbhliain Shona
Blwyddyn Newydd Dda

However you say it...

May the best you have ever seen be the worst you will ever see.
May the mouse never leave your grain store with a tear drop in its eye.
May you always stay hale and hearty until you are old enough to die.
May you still be as happy as I always wish you to be.

May the hill rise behind you,
And may the mountain be always over the crest;
And may the God that you believe in
Hold you in the palm of his hand.